Man sacks wife over her penchant for giving birth to babies like rabbit

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BY Unknown Tuesday, January 16, 2018 0

Man sacks wife over her penchant for giving birth to babies like rabbit

Lagos – A marriage of nine years was dissolved on Monday in Lagos after Mr Michael Ayinde, a 39-year-old man, had taken his wife, Glory, to court over her penchant for unbridled procreation.

Mr Akin Akinniyi, the President of Igando Customary Court in a Lagos suburb, said that it was obvious from available testimony and the respondent’s refusal to appear in court that the marriage had hit the rocks.

“Throughout the duration of this case, the respondent (Glory) refused to honour court processes.

“Therefore, the court has no choice than to dissolve the marriage; the court hereby pronounce the marriage between Mr Michael Ayinde and Mrs Glory Ayinde dissolved.

“Both parties henceforth cease to be husband and wife and are free to go their separate ways without any hindrance or molestation,’’ Akinniyi ruled.

The News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reports that Mr Michael Ayinde had earlier told the court that his wife, whose name he gave as Glory, enjoyed “giving births at will’’ without consideration for the prevailing economic situation.

According to him, Glory has had six children within the nine-year duration of their marriage.

“Before I married Glory, I warned her that I needed only two kids irrespective of their gender so that I can afford their upkeep. She agreed only for her to discard the agreement after marriage.

“My Lord, my wife wants to kill me with children. She is giving birth to children like rabbits. In nine years, she was delivered of six babies.

“She was sacked from her workplace just because she gets pregnant immediately after she resumed from maternity leave,’’ Ayinde said.

He said that he had sold his cars and some of his property to cater for the children.

“After she had the fourth baby, I begged her to go for family planning, she refused.

“I had to force her to the hospital for a family planning device but she went secretly to remove it without my consent.

“Some months later, she went to her parent’s place and sent me text message that she was pregnant.

“She did not return home until after delivery and also did the naming of the baby in her parent’s place,’’ Ayinde also told the court.

He said that on Dec. 24, 2016, Glory left home again for her parent’s place where she called again that was pregnant and that she would be back after birth.

“Last month, she called me that she had delivered and named the baby, David.’’

The father of six also alleged that his wife was not washing his clothes and her children’s clothes.

Ayinde pleaded with the court to dissolve the marriage so that the estranged wife would not continue to have more children. (NAN)

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BY Unknown Friday, December 15, 2017 0

Diary of a Broken Heart

Diary of a Broken Heart

I’m sure you’ve heard of many story of women and men who have had different events in their lives that lead to why they have little or no time for love to exist in their lives. like every other story, mine is also unique to me. I’ve gotten to a good place in my life where telling my story doesn’t hurt me anymore. In case you don’t know, my name is Esther (my mum thinks it has a spiritual implication as it is gotten from the Bible.) So grab a tissue (for the emotional ones) or pop corn (for the hard-guys) and journey with me back through time and learn a few lessons.

“I cannot love the way I’ve loved before. It’s that simple.” I say vehemently as I sit on the settee. “Why?” Asked Deola, my best friend of so many years. “How long will you be like this?” I don’t see why I should after what I went through. “I told you before, I have plans and it does not include a man at all ok? I’m not gonna let a man distract me from my goals again” even as I said that it sounded like an old maid’s tale. “I don’t believe that.”  Sighing as Deola sits with me on the settee. “All this happened after him didn’t it Esther? You never told me what happened you know?”

Taking care of women’s sexual problems

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BY Unknown Thursday, December 14, 2017 0

Taking care of women’s sexual problems

Taking care of women’s sexual problems

s3xual problems are some things that keep s3x from being satisfying or positive. Most women have symptoms of s3xual problems at one time or another. For some women, the symptoms are ongoing. Note that these symptoms are only s3xual problems if they bother you or cause problems in your relationship.
There is no normal level of s3xual response because it is different for every woman. You may also find that what is normal at one stage of your life changes at another stage. For example, it is common for an exhausted nursing mother to have little interest in s3x. And it is also common for both women and men to have lower s3x drives as they grow older.
Female s3xuality is complicated. The most important issue is the need for closeness and intimacy. Women also have physical needs. When a woman is troubled emotionally or physically, this can cause problems in her s3x life.
Some common causes of women s3xual problemss include; emotional causes, such as stress, relationship problems, depression or anxiety, a memory of s3xual abuse or rape, and unhappiness with the body.
Physical causes, such as hormone problems, pain from an injury or other problems, and certain conditions such as diabetes or arthritis may also cause it. Ageing, which can cause changes in the vagina, such as dryness could be a factor too.
Taking certain medicines for depression, blood pressure, and diabetes may also cause s3xual problemss in women.
Some of the symptoms may include, having less desire for s3x, having trouble feeling aroused, not being able to have an orgasm and having pain during s3x.
The woman may also notice a change in desire or s3xual satisfaction. When this happens, it helps to look at what is and is not working in your body and in your life. Are you ill, or do you take a medicine that can lower your s3xual desire or response? Are you stressed or often very tired? Do you have a caring, respectful connection with a partner? Do you and your partner have the time and privacy to relax together? Do you have painful memories about s3x or intimacy?
At this level, you need your doctor, preferably a gynecologist, who will help you out by asking probably more questions. He or she, could do a physical examination, and talk to you about possible causes. It could be hard or embarrassing to talk to your doctor about this, but this is necessary
Note that treatment for s3xual problems depends on the cause. It may include treating a health problem, learning how to talk openly with your partner, and learning about things you can do at home. For example, you might take a warm bath to relax, have plenty of foreplay before s3x, or try different positions during s3x. It is important to feel comfortable talking with your doctor. The more you can tell your doctor, the more he or she will be able to help you.

Spousal violence and mental health

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BY Unknown Thursday, December 14, 2017 0

Spousal violence and mental health

Spousal violence and mental health

• 

Last week’s article focused on helping us understand the dynamics and risk factors for spousal violence. This week, we close with the mental health ramifications, as well as what we can all do to prevent and stop it. Brave souls who have experienced spousal violence are better depicted in positive light as ‘survivors’ rather than ‘victims’, which may connote helplessness.

Mental health consequences for the survivor
Depression is the commonest emotional consequence, resulting in pervasive feelings of sadness, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, and feeling tired all of the time. It may also be accompanied by loss of appetite, disrupted sleep patterns, weepy episodes and feelings of worthlessness. In some instances, suicide begins to look like a viable option out of their misery. This emphasizes why we should all stand up to be counted in providing support, and encouragement to help any survivors we know.
Other emotional problems include anxiety and frequent worry. Thus, some of them become quite jumpy and nervous especially in the presence of the abusive spouse. Their self-esteem takes a big hit and they may become very demoralised and consider themselves as failures. This is often worsened by psychological torture and frequent and often on-going verbal taunts such as, ‘you can never cope without me’; ‘you know you are not good enough for me’; and so on.
For the survivors who eventually escape such abusive relationships, they are also at risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), that is characterised by nightmares, flashbacks and active avoidance of any recollection/reminders of the terrible experiences they went through. They may also become very sensitive and easily startled by loud noises. But even more regrettably, some carry the psychological scars for a very long time, and it colours their future perceptions and relationships – especially if they do not receive any professional therapy to help them work through their emotions.
Loneliness, feelings of betrayal, lack of trust in human beings and becoming very harsh, cynical, or socially cold and withdrawn can also ensue. Some women turn to drugs and alcohol to seek solace, but this only compounds the problem. Anger is common, and can sometimes be directed against self: ‘how could I have been this stupid?’, ‘I should have known better, and seen the handwriting on the wall’ etc.  Sometimes, pent-up anger can result in violence and aggression directed against the abuser – with serious or fatal outcomes in some instances.

Emotional consequences for children in abusive homes
Children from abusive homes may grow up with the wrong perception of what marriage is all about and learn that it is a way of life. Thus, the sons grow up to become perpetrators of IPV while the daughters grow up to accepting it as another way of showing love. However, some children may also grow up with cultivated hatred against the perpetrator, and become determined never to engage or tolerate such behaviour when they become adults. Unfortunately, the former is more common, resulting in generational perpetration of IPV.
Such children are at risk for stunted development, emotional and behavioural problems – including deviant behaviours, poor academic performance and school achievement, high drop-out rates and being involved in psychoactive substance use.

So, what should we do?
If you or anyone you know have experienced IPV, seek counseling and therapy from mental health professionals (psychiatrists and clinical psychologists).
If you are in an abusive relationship, end it today. If mediation is going to work, ensure the abuser goes for therapy and is given a report before you consider going back. The truth is, if it happens once, more often than not, it will become a repetitive habit.
Train your children properly: Male children should not be exempted from household chores and allowed to play while their sisters are cleaning the house and helping in the kitchen. You are raising entitled future men who will consider women inferior and beneath them, while they expect to reign as Lord and Master of the home.
Religious leaders have a role to play, to identify when to recommend patience, and when to draw the line. While not encouraging marriages to break down, if it is clear that one partner is not committed and the life and safety of the other partner is at risk, then, please, do not hesitate to encourage a separation. Otherwise, you may be called to officiate at the funeral.
Families and the community should stop the shame and stigma attached to being divorced or unmarried. If it is not working and it is threatening your sanity, your health and indeed, your life, then what is the point?
As friends, neighbours, colleagues, family members, we should all have zero tolerance for anyone in our circle who perpetrates IPV. There is never an acceptable excuse for it.

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BY Unknown Wednesday, December 13, 2017 0

Portrait of a Nigerian marriage in a heartbreaking debut novel

  

Portrait of a Nigerian marriage in a heartbreaking debut novel

The two narrators of Ayobami Adebayo’s stunning debut novel — a Nigerian woman named Yejide and her husband, Akin — remember the stories they heard when they were children, and they hope to pass on these stories to their own sons and daughters. They are folk tales featuring talking animals and magic potions, but while they often come with an old-fashioned moral (“He who has children owns the world”), Yejide devises her own versions, adding new bits and pieces as she goes along, turning them into allegories that speak to her own life and that of her country.

Like those fables, Adebayo’s “Stay With Me” — a beautifully produced book with a Matisse-inspired jacket that felicitously captures the spirit of the author’s writing — has a remarkable emotional resonance and depth of field. It is, at once, a gothic parable about pride and betrayal; a thoroughly contemporary — and deeply moving — portrait of a marriage; and a novel, in the lineage of great works by Chinua Achebe and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, that explores the pull in Nigeria between tradition and modernity, old definitions of masculinity and femininity, and newer imperatives of self-definition and identity.

Beginning in the 1980s, a period of political tumult in Nigeria, and moving on through 2008, “Stay With Me” fluently explores the interface between the personal and the political, and the precariousness of stability and safety in both realms: how public events — be they elections, protests or coups — take place while people are getting on with their daily lives, eating or opening a window, fighting with a spouse or taking care of a sick child; how dreams, ideals and romantic relationships can be shaped by distant but momentous developments on the national stage.

Adebayo — who was born in Lagos, Nigeria, and who studied with Adichie and Margaret Atwood — has two master’s degrees in creative writing, and “Stay With Me” is deeply informed by a knowledge of contemporary and classic literature.

But while readers may pick up on this novel’s many allusions and borrowings (for instance, its nods to Gillian Flynn’s “Gone Girl” and Lauren Groff’s “Fates and Furies,” in creating a stereoscopic portrait of a marriage), “Stay With Me” feels entirely fresh, thanks to its author’s ability to map tangled familial relationships with nuance and precision, and her intimate understanding of her characters’ yearnings, fears and self-delusions.

“Stay With Me” pivots around a series of secrets Akin has kept from his wife — and the terrible, unspooling consequences those secrets will have on their marriage, and on the life of Akin’s importunate brother Dotun. The novel’s one flaw is that it’s hard for the reader to believe that Yejide, however naïve she might be, would not have immediately grasped the first of Akin’s lies, but Adebayo’s orchestration of the emotional chain reaction set off by those deceptions is so assured that this stumbling block is soon forgotten.

Akin tells us that he loved Yejide from the moment he met her, but four years of childless marriage blunted his belief that “love could do anything”: “If the burden is too much and stays too long, even love bends, cracks, comes close to breaking and sometimes does break. But even when it’s in a thousand pieces around your feet, that doesn’t mean it’s no longer love.”

When they married, both Yejide and Akin said no to polygamy, but as years pass without a child, their relatives insist that Akin take a second wife, Funmi. Yejide is told to accept Funmi as a “younger sister,” a “friend,” a “daughter.” Akin’s mother cruelly says: “Women manufacture children and if you can’t you are just a man. Nobody should call you a woman.” She goes on: “We are not asking you to stand up from your place in his life, we are just saying you should shift so that someone else can sit down.”

Yejide, whose own mother died in childbirth, becomes desperate to have a baby. She gets hospital tests, and the names of doctors, pastors and herbalists. In one sad, comic sequence, she treks up the “Mountain of Jaw-Dropping Miracles” to visit a healer named Prophet Josiah, who has her dance with a white goat she’s dragged to the summit as his chanting followers swarm her. She soon believes she’s pregnant, despite doctors’ insistence that there is no baby.

These events are recounted with a mix of sympathy, humor and suspense, but as the novel progresses, it shifts into a more minor key, as Yejide does become pregnant, only to face the prospect of sickle cell disease in her children. Instead of bringing the couple closer together, this fear accelerates the fissures in their marriage, as Yejide realizes that Akin has withheld painful truths from her from the start — that she had refused to see “things standing in plain view.” It’s a realization that forces her to question traditional attitudes toward women in Nigeria — including the primacy of motherhood and deference toward their husbands — and to try to sort out her own expectations from those she’s inherited from her family and society.

Adebayo, who is 29, is an exceptional storyteller. She writes not just with extraordinary grace but with genuine wisdom about love and loss and the possibility of redemption. She has written a powerfully magnetic and heartbreaking book.

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BY Unknown Monday, December 11, 2017 0

REASONS NIGERIAN MEN RUN FROM MARRIAGE

REASONS NIGERIAN MEN RUN FROM MARRIAGE

Many say that when it involves romance, Nigerian men are actively active. Apart from being burdened with getting the woman’s attention (either on social networks or real life situations), the man mostly carries the financial burden. Despite all these and more, the women still hold them in contrary account most times. No matter how romantic a Nigerian man is, it is still a tug of war to get them to the altar for marriage. What keeps an eligible, romantic Nigerian man from hitching the marriage ride? After talking and researching here are the reasons they come up with. Please do feel free to add yours as well;

1. No wife materials

Most men believe that the average “marriage-material” Nigerian woman is either after the money and not love. In short, they are money conscious.

2. They get s*x freely without marriage than in time past

Apart from the existence of prostitutes, our beloved men say there are free s*x available with no need to pay for. Compared to when ‘virginity’ for women was a pass for value to marriage, some men now feel a lot of women today have lost it when it comes to keeping themselves.

3. Nigerian weddings are expensive

Coupled with the existence of the three forms of marriage being compulsory in Nigeria,-Religious, Traditional and Court, the cost of putting it all together is quite intimidating. Most times, it’s the men who are expected to shoulder the responsibility.

4. Fear of Freedom

There is a common belief among some men that marriage puts an end to one’s freedom. Single men today are much more proud about not being dependent and being on their own. They fear marriage because they will become answerable for every action they take to their spouse. That is one big responsibility some men are not ready to take up.

5. Trust issues

Most times, people fear commitment because of trust issues. Some men have been bruised in their past relationships and therefore they don’t want to put themselves out there.

6. Bad Testimonies from Married couple

This a big issue among men. They get intimidated by marriage as a result of the testimonies they hear from those in marriage. Before getting into marriage talks, it is a common thing among men to ask their brothers, friends who are already married on how the institution is faring with them and the testimonies they get are most times discouraging, as such they fear their marriage will be a replica of the testimonies they have gathered.

7. Cultural limitations

Nigeria is a country with a very large amount of diverse cultures and traditions.  And this diversity sometimes create challenges for men who are in search of women with similar culture. The good thing though is that those who endeavour to explore inter-cultural relationships get the opportunity to gain an in-depth appreciation of other customs.

25 sexual things to know before Christmas

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BY Unknown Saturday, December 02, 2017 0

25 sexual things to know before Christmas

Funmi Akingbade

cafi.punch@yahoo.com
08034540594
08156047309
08029593116

As everyone is about to enter the hustle and bustle usually associated with Christmas period, I want to quickly infuse into the hearts of all the married lovers and couples in a relationship, some 25 ‘never-forget’ discoveries they need to know and be familiar with this season. These 25 discoveries are accessible facts married couples can easily adopt while in the spirit of Christmas. So, enjoy as you read and make sure your sex bed does not experience any dull moment all through this Yuletide.

One: Never forget the fact that every human being is created as a sexual being and all human beings have the ability to reach orgasm at any given time even within seconds. This is because male and female orgasm has been defined as, “an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension.” Although, there are other definitions, most of the time, the word, ‘tension’ is recurrent. This suggests that if and when sexual intercourse comes up between two married lovers, hot, superb erotic and unimaginable orgasm is expected to be a normal activity when sex is going on. Orgasm during sex should be expected frequently between couples, giving room for utmost unhindered sexual satisfaction.

Two: During orgasmic sexual intercourse, a lot of incredible things happen in human body. Whenever any couple experiences sizzling and burning orgasm, their hearts pump faster while both of them breathe heavily to fuel their muscles. Then, hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin send instant messages about this sexual activity to the couple’s brains and other sensitive parts of their bodies. In a jiffy, blood is pumped into the genital regions to create the tension that ultimately triggers a pudenda reflex (this is a muscular spasm of the genitals). The immediate reflex results in the pelvic-floor muscles, contracting between five and 15 times at 0.8-second intervals. This is the wonder of the orgasm that couple must experience and look forward to experience while in the spirit of Christmas!

Three: Sexual therapists have made it clear that orgasm experience helps to burn out some amount of fat around the heart tissues and neural pathways in the spine. This explosive discharge of a neuromuscular tension is not only peculiar to the male gender, as it is also present in the female gender. The most prominent and sensitive female organ that could trigger orgasm anytime there is sexual activity is the clitoris. This organ is about two inches above the vaginal opening, located in front and above the opening of the urethra (urine outlet). It is the most sexually sensitive part of the female reproductive organ; it becomes slightly enlarged and erect in response to sexual stimulation. This is called the female ‘sexual trigger.” Most married women do not experience orgasm because their husbands hardly take quality time to lovingly and gently caress this organ during foreplay. Sufficient stimulation of this organ during foreplay produces the orgasm experience in nearly all women.

However, it should be noted that this must be done with utmost care, as many husbands had, in the course of caressing the clitoris, inflicted untold pains on their wives. What is expected of such husbands is merely a feather touch caressing, or better still, using their tongue or hands to stimulate the organ, which produces orgasm within a twinkle of an eye. Unfortunately, in most parts of the African continent, this wonderful structure is usually removed or mutilated during female circumcision.

Four: Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. More than 60 percent of women must have direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax. In fact, believing a woman should achieve orgasm through intercourse alone is like expecting a man to reach orgasm by only stroking his testicles. Do not ignore the facts of anatomy. A woman’s clitoris is similar to the head (glans) of the man’s penis. Often, the clitoris isn’t stimulated by intercourse. If the head of the penis wasn’t involved in intercourse, the man wouldn’t climax easily!

This does not mean that it is proper for a man to reach for his wife’s clitoris immediately. Women come in all shapes and sizes-physically, emotionally, and particularly, sexually; so the only safe way to approach her clitoris is to find out what she wants and what she likes. It is only few and rare women that are okay with ‘starting’ quickly for their clitoris; most women will be offended or turned off if their husband goes straight to their clitoris first and skip fondling the non-sexual areas. Like the penis, the clitoris engorges with blood during arousal. Touching her before she is aroused can be unpleasant, or even painful to most women.

Five: Most women differ greatly in the way they enjoy having their clitoris stimulated, and the manner of stimulation can vary during the different stages of lovemaking. It is helpful (and can be fun) for a wife to show her husband how she wants to be stroked by placing her hand over his own and actually putting pressure on his fingers to demonstrate where she likes to be touched, how lightly or firmly, and how slowly or quickly she likes the movements to be. The other nerve- invested areas are the nipple, the breast, the lips of the vaginal, and the lobs of the ear.

Questions Answers

Can I still give birth again?

I’m a 30-year-old lady and I have used the contraceptive injection for over four years now because of the new joy I got shortly after getting married. My period has stopped for some time and I am afraid that I may not conceive again. I am worried because my husband and I are thinking of settling down to have a family of our own and the fear of not being able to conceive is affecting my sex life.

Anxious woman

Amenorrhea (temporary stoppage of periods) is a common side effect of the contraceptive injection. It may take up to a year for your menstrual cycle to return to normal after stopping the three-month injectable contraceptive. However, this should not affect your ability to conceive. All you need to do is relax and try to enjoy sex for the fun of it and not because you want to get pregnant.

 Question two

Unbearable pain during sex

          I’m 30 years old and I just got married. My wife and I were both virgins before we got married. Every time we make love, she feels an unbearable pain. We always have sex quickly or not all, because she once said it would be better if she died than endure the pain. It has been a month since we got married but she still complains of the pains. I also ejaculate very early.

Anonymous

I believe the greatest thing any couple could do for each other is to ensure that they both enjoy sex to the fullest. Your experience is common among newly married virgins. Just give yourself time to adjust to your new life. For now, sex will continue to be somewhat painful for your wife, until she gets used to being penetrated. But that should not put both of you off sex. I suggest you see that the sexual conditions are right for the two of you so that her mind will be free to focus on relaxing. I also suggest you see a sex therapist who will teach both of you how your sexual bodies work and how you can enjoy sex in a more satisfying manner. Do not feel embarrassed. This is but a learning process.    

Question three

 My organ is too small, I don’t want to lose my woman

I am a fan of yours and I have been following your write-ups for some time now. Ever since then, my sex life has not been the same. My wife and I are always blessed by each edition, may God in His infinite mercy continue to bless and enrich this column with great knowledge. I have a problem with my penis. It is very small, and my woman is complaining, please what can I do before I lose her.

Monday Alao

This is an immense problem that plagues our men – both young and old, rich and poor, highly influential and the commoner – not only in our country but the whole world and it has been a major concern to many. However, I would love to give a word of advice. Over the years of my being a sex therapist and a sexologist, I have discovered that these following tips have saved a lot of marriage relationships with or without the use of penis- enlargement drugs.

One, if your wife is not complaining, just accept yourself as you are.

Two, if your wife is complaining, then apply the followings:

A: When having sex, engage in varieties of dog style position such as spoon style or side by side style position or any other form of sex than the basic missionary position. The trick of these styles is that it normally reduces the length of the vaginal of the woman. This is because she is not standing straight, sitting straight or bending slightly. With these positions, her virginal is automatically shorter than the usual length when she is straightened up. And when you enter her from whatever angle, your penis will be able to fully fill up the remaining part of her vaginal.

Two, if you are extremely smart with delivering a very good passionate, erotic foreplay; you can easily bring her to the verge of climaxing prior to your entering her and you will be able to get her to orgasm with any size of penis.

Three, make sure you learn the skill of pre-sex fingering and clitoris banqueting. Master it and become an expert with it. What I mean by ‘clitoris banqueting’ is taking quality time to work on the clitoris at the same time, finger the first few inches of her vaginal very extensively. When this is done, it usually compensates for the fullness of the small size penis because by the time you have done justice to her clitoris and the tip of the vaginal with your fingers, your small penis will just finish the job easily.

Four, you can always try many natural herbs available from highly recommended company for increase in size of the penis. 

Five, practice more of blow-job with her valval than penetrative vagina sex.

Can I still love him?

‘I don’t love my hubby’

I don’t feel anything when he touches me. Your column made me to believe that you could solve my problem. Sorry, I am not good at writing. I am 37 years old and have been married for 10 years. I have five children, but I have never enjoyed sex with my husband and I believe that I am frigid. After I got married, I told my friend and she took me to a medical doctor, who said my problem was not medical but emotional. He also asked me if I love my husband and if I had ever been raped in my life. The truth is that I am not in love with my husband. I only married him because of pressure from my family that I was getting old. After this visit to my doctor, I have managed to tolerate my husband, but I am not even aware of his touch, neither do I feel anything when he enters me. That’s how we have managed to have five children. But I don’t think it will be ideal to stay idle and do nothing about my condition. I keep changing doctors and I used traditional medicine to no avail. However, what surprises me is that in all these years, my husband has never complained. He has never revealed that he has noticed my lack of response. When I discuss it with my doctor, he said maybe my husband was the problem and he invited him. But my husband refused to go. Please help me because I don’t know what to do. I have only written 10 percent of what is happening.

H.I

I think your problem needs an urgent attention. Try and see me, you need lots of counselling.

Happiness is definitely not “perfection” in marriage

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BY Unknown Saturday, December 02, 2017 0

Happiness is definitely not “perfection” in marriage

Elizabeth Badejo
eb_africadreamwedding@yahoo.com
www.stringmynaijawedding.com …08097360766

Every marriage will experience a season of growth and a period of stagnancy, the freshness at the beginning of the marriage may soon fade with time, but the ability to trust and feel secure with your spouse is the basis for giving and receiving love in return. Happiness is certainly not perfection in a marriage as there are many choices you have to make as individuals and as a couple to seek contentment. After all, you are the architects of your own marriage.

A blissful marriage does not happen by accident; a couple who invest in their courtship are more likely to be happy through positive interactions with one another while staying focused on their goals and desires for the future.

Happiness is endurance

The truth is, you can barely find a couple who are compatible in their marriage. Those who you perceive as  having a perfect marriage have only learned to manage their differences and discover ways to work through life’s difficult issues.

Happiness loves instincts

You should never allow fear and insecurity to stop you from sharing your true feelings or from discussing your inner doubts and anxieties with your spouse. Learn to trust your instincts so that you can overcome the fears of the unknown together. Trust is important in a marriage and it can influence a deceptive behaviour because it is impossible to have a healthy relationship when you do not trust your spouse.

Happiness forgives the past

Recognise and embrace the hope and aspirations that come with your marriage as many are plagued with the traumas of their pasts. It may seem difficult to start trusting a partner who has broken your confidence in the past but if you desire to enjoy a fruitful and fulfiling relationship, it is not impossible to forgive. Hurts, pains, disappointment,  previously failed marriage, or strained relationships can also make it difficult to find fulfilment.

Insecurity can cause you to see visions of the past overlaid on the reality of the present. If you were hurt in the past, it’s normal to have some fears about a recurrence, but remind yourself that your current spouse is not your former partner.

Happiness brings fulfilment.

Everyone has dreams, hope and aspirations in life. Marriage is only one of many of life’s big fulfilments; therefore, you cannot claim ownership of what you didn’t create. To have a healthy relationship, you have to trust your spouse; love alone is not enough to fill the vacuum if trust is absent. Nothing in life comes easy but with shared love, encouragement and support, you can both achieve your dreams.

Happiness loves friendship

A great way to feel a deep sense of love is by finding the balance between your marriage and friendships. When you surround yourself with friends who share your values and purpose in life, they make your life whole and also give you a sense of belonging.

NOTES

• When you take the focus away from yourself, you will remember that the decisions you make affect the lives of your family. It is only then that you can begin to understand the significance of making your marriage your reward to you and your spouse.
• It takes effort to create a real sense of partnership and commitment in marriage; it is only when a couple is resolute that they can get through life’s challenging threats to their marriage.

10 things to ask your partner before marriage

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BY Unknown Saturday, December 02, 2017 0

10 things to ask your partner before marriage

Tunde Ajaja

Previous scientific studies have shown that when people fall in love, it is akin to being ‘high’ on certain drugs, because meeting someone special activates the same brain cells as when one takes cocaine and other such substances. This good feeling, sometimes, makes people rush into marriage, especially if one of the couple had been under pressure to get married.

But it has often been said that good communication and openness, among other factors, are essential ingredients of a happy marriage, which explains why marriage counsellors and psychologists always advise that intending couples need to discuss certain things before marriage. And this goes beyond the questions new acquaintances ask themselves.

The experts maintain that any marriage-related issue that intending couples refuse to deal with before marriage would wait for them after marriage.

Here are some of the issues experts believe people need to talk about with their partners before they tie the knot, not entirely because it must influence their decision, but to manage expectations:

Any habit that makes the other person uncomfortable:

Given that no two human beings are the same, whether in reasoning or character, the future of a relationship lies partly on how both persons are able to accommodate each other’s differences. Hence, intending couples should ask their partners anything about their character they are not comfortable with, to see if there is a reason for such behaviour or see if it could be moderated, so that they could both dwell in an atmosphere devoid of rancour. This could include dressing style, personal hygiene, pets, ability to forgive easily or say sorry, etc. A psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bonior, said, “It’s a good thing when we can be exposed to a perspective far different from our own, but eventually, our own habits may remain what we’re most comfortable with — and if our partner’s style continues to be quite different, what used to be enticing may turn downright annoying. Are you assuming that your partner will magically become a different person, even in terms of something relatively small? Think again. And if you choose to marry someone, you must choose to take them as they are, end of story.”

How family finances would be shared:

According to Bonior, one of the things that can readily cause friction in the home is how bills would be shared, and this ranges from house rent, money for food items, children’s school fees, money for parents’ upkeep, money for domestic needs, etc. While some believe a man should be responsible for paying all the bills in the house, as the head of the family, some believe the wife should also take up some bills as long as she has the capacity and some others believe the person with the higher income should volunteer to do more. If this is not sorted out, experts say it is a potential cause of conflict. “The more you talk about it, and the more honest you are with yourselves and each other about what you bring to the table in terms of your money attitudes and how they will be resolved, the better foundation you build in your marriage,” she added.

Temperament:

People’s nature differs as it affects their behaviour, how they react when angry, how easy it is for them to move on when offended and how well they handle stress, which explains why couples should talk about how they react in certain situations, more so that people tend to change when under stress. She said, “Even more important is how the two of you handle stress together; do you retreat and isolate, or connect to resolve things as a team? In general, the healthiest marriages have respectful and honest communication without game-playing, passive-aggressiveness, personal attacks, or power trips. Examine your styles of handling conflicts and see if there is room for improvement.”

Thoughts on number of children and if gender matters:

This is one very important factor that could easily cause unrest in a home. Experts advise that couples should have an open, comprehensive discussion about how many children they want to have and agree on whether the gender of the children would matter and what would happen in case infertility issue comes up before they get to the number they agree on. Without this discussion, there have been instances where people, especially men, resort to extramarital affairs to have the number of children they truly desire or to have a particular gender. Bonior added, “If each of you vaguely imagines having two children, that might sound like you’re perfectly compatible on that score. But what if after one child, one of you absolutely wants to stop? What happens if infertility is an issue – how hard will you continue to try, and how do you feel about adoption? What happens if one person still has the itch for more children after the second one? It’s important to dig deeper.”

Exposure to drugs, alcohols and social media:

Not all persons can cope with a partner that is given to drugs, or alcohol, especially if they don’t take. Thus, it is important for couples to discuss beforehand if they can bear the partner’s appetite for such substances, so as to avoid conflict, more so that these substances are addictive. And for social media, whereby some prefer to post every picture they take on the social media, while some rarely do, citing privacy as their reason. Perhaps this is important because a partner who posts everything personal on the social media would likely post pictures of their children, which might not go down well with the other partner.

When to involve third party:

Usually, in marriage, the golden rule is that whatever transpires, including need for help or even conflict, stays within the home. But, there are instances where innocently or out of genuine concern people spill the beans, which could be to the chagrin of the partner. Thus, to avoid issues, people should set some rules. Bonior said, “Are you okay with a husband who asks his mother for marital advice? There is no right answer about how much to share with friends and family, but the more you are on the same page, the better off and less blindsided you will be.”

Disposition towards in-laws:

In the African setting and in some other climes, in-laws are almost an integral part of the home. Thus, people are always advised to speak out on whatever reservations they have about their partners’ family before they tie the knot, else it might pose problem to the marriage, because it may not fade out. The solution might be for the two families to talk about the issues.

How to share house chores:

In the past, this was hardly an issue of discourse, as women were traditionally expected to do most of the chores at home, but things have changed. Thus, intending couples are advised to deliberate on how to share the chores at home so as to avoid incessant quarrels and expectations that may never be met. Bonior said, “Unfortunately, even couples who have a comfortable division of responsibility pre-marriage can often be thrown into resentful conflicts once circumstances change: the addition of a baby, a change in a partner’s job or commute, or a bigger house with new types of maintenance needed.” Thus, there is need to talk about this issue.

Closeness to opposite sex:

The nature of one’s job could influence how much one would mingle with persons of the opposite sex. Thus, people are often advised to agree on what they would not be able to bear, such as taking out a colleague of the opposite sex for lunch. Bonior added, “Every couple must define for themselves what they are or are not comfortable with. And the more you pretend that it will all magically work out even when there are differences, the more you set yourself up for feeling betrayed.

Expectations or preference about sex:

No doubt, religious teachings advise that people should shun premarital sex, but one question intending couples could ask each other, without having slept together, is if the other person likes sex and how often they would wish to have it when married. This would help to balance each other’s expectations and help them to know what to expect.